Shame exposure: A key to healing?

A discussion with a friend's husband recently got me thinking, 'Should I stop writing? Or at least hold back a bit?'

‘Fred’, a lovely man who I greatly respect, said he rarely shares his past. Especially not mistakes. Not even to his wife. Why?

To maintain his dignity.

(Also he knows the news might spread around the family fast. We girls do talk!)

He especially felt parents don’t need to give all the details of their past exploits to their children. He said you can give edited versions – enough to help them know you have struggled like them too. But you don’t have to air all your dirty laundry. Keep your dignity.

Fred didn’t know I’m writing a memoir, and that one goal is to be as raw and open as I can be. So I know he wasn’t saying anything pointedly about my personal writing. I respected his view and seriously pondered it.

Should I keep things under my belt?

Am I too open about some of my experiences that I sometimes call (perhaps mistakenly) ‘sins’ and ‘mistakes’? Then there are the ones involving my abuse, which I still sometimes (perhaps mistakenly) see as my fault … Those times definitely involved things I’m certainly not proud of.

I’ve been quite open with my adult children about my past. Recently, I did question my openness (even before Fred said what he said), fearing I may have lost some of their respect. And I felt perhaps some things I shared are not uplifting or positive.

Moreover, after hearing Fred’s views, I questioned whether I need to write my memoir or blog about my experiences at all. Perhaps it’s best to keep these things to myself… and move on.

Maybe I should be ashamed and hide these things… (Not that he was suggesting shame, but ‘shame’ and ‘hiding’ can be intrinsically connected.) Have I no self-pride?

Not long after this conversation, I found myself in another, with my Christian psychologist. We spoke of shame. She suggested shame may be at the root of some of my ongoing issues. Shame about things in my past could be blocks to healing my relationship with myself, and with God. I recognised that shame underlies the sometimes self-depreciating and critical things I say about myself.

So, on her advice, I’ve began reading The Soul of Shame: Retelling the stories we believe about ourselves by Curt Thompson MD.

Dr Thompson says shame is not straightforward, and that’s why we are ‘so easily buckled by it’. It ‘seeps into every nook and cranny of life’ and ‘twists our narratives into painful story lines.’ Good, I'm not alone!

He says that to heal shame, we have to know the role it plays in our personal narrative, our story. The story we believe we are living in, that has been shaped by our experiences and perception of ourselves. The story we are telling ourselves.

Thompson writes: 'Each of us lives within a story we believe we occupy.' I suppose (I am yet to read the 'how') we are meant to work on changing that story....

A friend led me through a process recently to do that. A results coach and healer, she guided me to relax and bring to my mind a scene I was ashamed of. She then took me through a process to change the shameful way I perceived myself and the other characters in the scene. At the end of the process, I could view the scene (sexual abuse by a church elder in the Unification Church) without shame but rather with empathy and as a lesson and a point of growth that benefits me now. (Interestingly, I was also left with another emotion: anger. But my intuition said it is okay to hang onto that, for now). I certainly felt much lighter after the session and will do more. Now do I do that process with all other scenes in my life? I will find out in due course.

Meanwhile Dr Thompson's book will give me more tips.

As I continued reading, this sentence jumped out at me and my soul validated it: 

Exposure is the very thing that shame requires for healing.

Ah! Through recalling that scene in my own mind, I was exposing my shame. I reflected that another way to expose shame is through writing. So perhaps my desire to write my stories is my attempt to heal this shame? Yes, I think it is! I always knew it was good therapy, but I didn't connect it to shame exposure for healing.

Exposure is the opposite to hiding to avoid further shame. Thompson says exposing shame fights back against its drive to isolate us… internally and externally.

So am I still going to write? Yes. To expose those things within me haunting me. To bring them to light, knowing God, and good friends, family and health mentors, have my back. And to ultimately change my internal narrative.

Of course, publishing a memoir of my stories has other motivators behind it too. And I may not provide every grubby detail as I don't wish to cause harm to anyone. There is something to say for maintaining some dignity. As a friend said recently upon reading this blog, 'It's a delicate balance between vulnerability and maintaining dignity.' I pray I get this right for me. Any decision to edit back will be not based on shame, though, but good editorial principles.

(Note: If you are triggered by 'God' words, you might like to leave the blog here and I wish you all my love and support on your journey.)

New garments

I received some further insights on shame from my spiritual director (Catholic term for spiritual mentor) recently and a retreat I went to, via Biblical stories. These gave me a reassurance of the love and covering of my shame by my creator (who I personally refer to as 'Father'). Yes, despite my abuse in a religious cult, I am still developing a relationship with 'God' and am sometimes using a religious context for my trauma healing as well a psychological one.

In the figurative Genesis stories in the Bible, God clothes Adam and Eve before they are banished from the Garden. This expresses his grace and forgiveness and His covering of their shame.

(On the side, there is an interesting write-up in gotquestions.org about the significance of their garments being made from animal skins, pointing to the atonement of sins through blood.)

When Cain kills Abel, before God banishes Cain, he puts a mark on him to protect him and declares no harm shall come to him. An expression of divine parental love. (Gosh, how many Biblical teachers focus on the sin and mistakes and not this part of the story? )

Oh, and what about the Biblical story of the prodigal son?

Hearing this story at the recent Santa Teresa Spirituality Centre's A Morning's Prayer Retreat, it struck me that the father called for new garments to be given quickly for his returning dishevelled and sorry son. Again, the love and forgiveness of the father in the face of shame. He gives us new garments. A new covering.

He doesn’t see our past mistakes, ‘sins’ or scars. He of course sees the scars from our trauma, but he wraps us lovingly, and fully, in the finest clothes to give us a new identity and protect us. But first we go up to him naked and dishevelled. Exposed. And honest, unlike Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel in the stories who don't give God straight answers and hide their mistakes. Yes, they do receive ramifications for their actions (as all naughty children should), but the point here is the parental God still protects and loves them.

I find that so reassuring. In my exposure, I am safe. I guess my mind and heart accepting the love of a spiritual Father is another way to reframe my internal shame story . You don't need a religious context to do it, but it works for me.

So this blog has a few ideas in it.

• Shame is normal for all humans and is not straightforward.

• Shame is at the core of much of my self-criticism and some emotional struggles.

• Exposing shame is good for healing and to ultimately change our internal narrative.

• Writing our story is one way to expose that shame,

• In the Biblical context, my creator 'God' is more than willing to meet me in that shame if I am honest to myself and Him, and He will cover Me with 'new garments' made of His Love.

Here's to further sharing, exposing, re-telling my story... and ultimately changing any internal narratives to beneficial ones! If it helps you too, maybe start writing. And deal with that shame through whatever context works for you.

Blessings to you all until next time.

Wendy x

REF: The Soul of Shame; Kurt Thompson, MD; ‎ Inter-Varsity Press, US; 1st edition (26 August 2015)